The break is over..

Thank you for your patience and kindness....

I took a break from writing, which should be evident by my long absence from your inbox. So what happened? 

What I'm doing is processing trauma in public, which, frankly, is a difficult thing to do. As a writer, I want to make sure to get the story correct while also honoring past memories. For example, there are people I don't talk to now that I was fond of once upon a time, and I have to remember them fondly to get the stories with the right tone, etc. I no longer talk to Cuddles, but I loved him and had to lay around and remember all that was great about him. It's more complicated when it comes to my birth mother, as I have a lot of unresolved feelings. I know the answer is that I need to forgive her, but honestly, I don't know how. I've made some progress, but it hasn't been easy. 

To get back to sharing, I had to clear some cobwebs, and I did that through meditation, medicine, reading, pondering, and a variety of things to get my mind as straight as I could because the next few posts will be some of the hardest I've ever had to write. Thank you for sticking with me and rooting for me. I've had several messages from people encouraging me to march ahead. I do this not only to fix myself but hopefully help others who've suffered and let us face it; we've all suffered on some level. Hopefully, by going through my healing process, you might identify things I'm doing that could help you. 

I can tell you that the most significant breakthrough that I've had is realizing that the past is gone. We tend to hold on to negative feelings over things we can't control. We have anger over something that happened, but if we are in a position where it won't happen again, we never put those memories where they ought to belong. You have to decide to let the stuff that hurts you go because it doesn't serve you or anyone around you. However, making that decision and meaning it is the hard part. 

The other realization is that we tell ourselves stories about ourselves and our experiences that no longer serve us. That person, just like the memories, is also gone. Guess what isn't yet? 

You.

Here.

Now.

You see statements like that on t-shirts in hipster stores, and they are easy to dismiss because maybe you are revolted by the stench of coolness they are trying to sell to you, but I'll let you know that those stores are often full of messages that could be good for us. We don't have to buy them unless they help you be here now. You know they usually don't, but we often buy them anyway, or we look at them in puzzlement, thinking we are there at that moment, but I assure you that we are usually not there. We are somewhere else. We are in our worry, the future, the past, and usually anywhere but the now. 

Writing these posts and the "work" I've done on myself makes me feel like a completely different person. The work has led me to a type of happiness that I never knew possible, making it incredibly difficult to write about hard things. It is easy to say, "I'm happy now; why don't I just move on and ignore this." No, I need to finish this story. I must finish this story. I can't tell you why I must, but it will all finally make sense in the end.