I did it, with a boy. (30)

I shaved my hair around the top of my ears and the back of my neck, so when I put up my hair in a ponytail or bun, it looked pretty badass, but when I put it down, my mother wouldn’t notice. She rarely paid any attention to me anyhow, but I didn’t want it to be about my hair if she did manage to.

My hair was pretty frizzy and unruly, so I wet it in the morning to calm it down, but that meant I had to walk to school with wet hair. That was ok in the warmer months, but the winters in Flagstaff are cold and filled with lots of snow, so by the time I got to school, ice formed around my hair. I didn’t have a warm coat, so I often bundled up with several layers of clothes. I’d try to comb my hands through my hair, and I remember laughing at how stiff it was.

I managed to stay in band, lugging my huge french horn back and forth from school to practice. I also tried out for the youth symphony at NAU and got in as the third chair. That seemed to be my permanent position with all orchestras and bands. It was ok though, because it was a pretty low-pressure position, and it was a nice break to head over to NAU and act like I was a student. After practice, I would hang out at their library and pretend to read heavy things like books about quantum physics. I honestly didn’t know enough math even remotely to understand what I was reading, but I hoped to someday.

One day while wandering the halls of the school, I ran into Derek Hall, my junior high “boyfriend.” He asked me what I had been up to, so I decided to tell him that I was reading these hefty books and he looked at me startled. He then started quizzing me in disbelief because apparently, this was a subject he was into. I could tell that he didn’t believe me and my efforts to impress him fell flat, but then something amazing happened; Derek asked me on a date! It wasn’t right at that moment, but a few days later. While walking back to school from the bridge, Derek walking beside me told me that the southern accent I picked up in Oklahoma was cute. I guess I had said “ya’ll” while talking to some people. He asked if he could take me out to dinner—a proper date. I didn’t hesitate because I still really liked Derek.

I’m not sure if we had dinner, to be honest. There isn’t a memory of that dinner anywhere. However, I, remember us playing a game of truth or dare that led to us getting naked and into my mother’s bed. We drank some Drambuie mixed with Dr. Pepper, which took the edge off of the whole experience. I’ll never forget the feeling of a boy being excited to be with me, and seeing that excitement visually was very appealing.

I had no idea what I was doing, but I was just happy to be doing it. I wanted this chapter of my life to be over, and I wanted to experience having sex. I had been accused of having it for years, so why not just do it? In my mind, Derek was experienced. I mean, he had to be, given how handsome he was. I didn’t tell him it was my first time because I didn’t want him to take it seriously or romantically; I just wanted it to be over.

After we were done, he left, and I felt the sex for days after. Guys don’t have this experience, but I had difficulty walking, which meant the experience was on my mind a lot. A few of my girlfriends noticed I was walking differently, and I confided in them that I had finally done it - with Derek. I was now part of the “done it” club, officially.

Even though Derek and I had that night together, we went back to being awkward towards each other at school. The whole experience wasn’t terrible, I mean, it was my first time, but it wasn’t like the movies. I’ll fully admit that I had a Hollywood idea of what sex was supposed to be like, and my experience fell short of that. I thought I was supposed to feel something. Something profound. I didn’t feel any of that, but rather just confused.

Look, we’ve fought wars for love, built monuments, and all sorts of crazy things throughout history in the name of love, so I thought that it would be transformative in that way. I don’t think it was for either of us, but I think it helped us both with whatever insecurities we both had at the time, and it was sweet that it was with each other.

However, the question about love remained, and I decided, like just about everything else I do in life, to get to the bottom of it. I decided to roll through boys until I found the “one”. It became an obsession for a period of time. One of my games, if you will. If a boy didn’t do “it” for me, I dumped him and moved on. Naturally, this didn’t work, and “Mr. Right” never came along. I spent a whole year on this bender, and I’m guessing word got around to the boys that I was that “kind” of girl because I got hit on a lot, which I didn’t care about because it was more cannon fodder for my experiment. These poor boys didn’t know about my game, but I don’t think they cared one way or another. My guess is they were just as excited to mark sex off of their “to-do” list.

I gave up at some point and questioned if maybe I was gay. I really loved looking at women and admiring them, but unlike boys, I couldn’t take their rejection, so I never made a single move towards another girl. I just silently waited and hoped someone would get brave enough with me. Guys were immediately receptive, but a girl might punch you.

Derek got a job at Dab Nabbits, which, as you can imagine, sent me into a fit of jealousy. I was still volunteering there, but he was officially employed. I never asked Dave how that happened because I decided it was none of my business. Instead, I decided to stop being distracted by boys and put more effort into getting a job there myself. I swore off, boys.

Until I met Josh.